Brokenness Behind the “Perfect” Life
March 18, 2013 § 7 Comments
Growing up, I was often told what a great “perfect” life I had. I had parents who were married and loved each other. My brother and I got along. I was told I was pretty and I did well in school. I completed my “dream” of being a nurse and married a great guy. We adopted a wonderful son who we adore. I am literally living my dream of working in Africa.
You may have concluded some of these thoughts by reading this blog for any amount of time. As with any outside view, you are only seeing one perspective. You don’t know the private pains or the hidden secrets of the heart. My life is far from perfect. You don’t know the argument I had with my husband or the way I was impatient with my son. You were not around when I was unkind to my friend and was selfish about something else.
The truth is that even as you’re reading about our “perfect” life there is pain, hurt, sin, and grief that only God knows.
Our journey of infertility has shaped me more than anything else in my adult life. It’s far reaching grasp touches every area. It has included over 3 years of surgeries, failed fertility treatments, as well as multiple failed adoptions. I can truly say it’s been the most difficult experience of my life. And honestly, I don’t think anybody can truly understand unless you’ve been there yourself.
To clarify, I don’t at all mourn the adoption of Nathaniel or the fact that he has some disabilities. That was a conscious choice that we made fully aware of the state of his health. I wouldn’t trade him for a million healthy newborn babies. I know for many families with biological children with disabilities that that is an area to mourn. Because of our choice in adoption that is not the case.
What I do grieve is the infertility and continued pain in my body. It still stings a bit when I receive a pregnancy announcement from somebody. Ironically, it hurts in my own heart even though I am genuinely happy for them.
I was talking to a friend that has also experienced infertility and she said that God gives what God gives to each person. You don’t know what the course of life may be.
I’m getting to an (slightly) older age where I’m seeing different health challenges happen in friends and acquaintances. Nobody thinks it will happen to them. Nobody thinks they will have a stroke before the age of 40. Or colon cancer. Nobody plans on their daughter dropping out of school and getting pregnant. Or aborting their child. Nobody plans on their spouse leaving them to care for their children alone.
The point being, you may think someone has a “perfect” life with “perfect” children but we don’t always know the burdens people are bearing.
God hasn’t given us biological children up to this point. It’s been a burden that God has asked us to carry for now. He might give us biological children in the future. He may never. What we do know is that He is the one who gives life and takes it away. Blessed be His name.